Devan,

I sit here staring at this blank screen debating whether or not I should do this. I want to completely spill my heart to you one last time so that I can finally get everything off of my chest and so that I know, you know exactly how I feel about you, and about everything that has happened between you and I. I apologize in advance if I jump around all over the place and it doesn’t make sense but I’m just going to give it my best attempt. Just know that everything I’m trying to convey in this letter will be the absolute truth. So if your going to think this is just me trying to feed you bullshit, then save your time and don’t read this.

First of all, I’m not even sure why I kept this blog for so long. I kept it so that I had a collection of things that made me think of you, and of things that described how I felt toward you better than I could have originally put into words. Either way, going into this, I had no idea just how deep the pain would go or for how long. The original idea for this blog was so that one day if I was able to win you back, I would have a reminder to myself of just how hard it was living without you, so that I would never forget that pain and never allow myself to lose you again.

I’ll be honest, at first when we broke up, the full impact didn’t hit me. I was sad and knew that I wanted to make things up to you, but I was still coming to see you and I still felt like we were together but without the status. But one night we were in your shower together and you looked up at me and said that you didn’t want to pursue things with Grant, you said that you loved me and wanted things to work out between us… I honestly can’t describe how happy I was at that moment. I wanted to snatch you up and never let you go again. You had me on cloud 9. I won back the girl of my dreams and I was bound and determined to never lose you again… My only regret to that night is, believing what you had said. A few days later you left for florida, came back and wanted nothing to do with me. And that was the exact moment I felt my heart break.

I can’t even begin to describe how lost and broken I’ve felt since we’ve broken up. It’s been close to a year and I still feel as if a part of me is gone. I had no clue just how much my happiness depended on having you in my life. Seeing you replace me so fast and easily destroyed me. Here I was, feeling like I couldn’t live without you and you were already falling in love with someone else. I didn’t know how to handle it. I tried to ignore it and to distract myself from thinking about it by partying, talking to other girls, and just trying to stay busy. But every single time the thought of you even entered my mind, I would start to fall apart. Even though I would try not to show emotion about it, it brought me to tears more times than I would like to admit….And just to set the record straight, when I said I was able to fake cry, that was a lie. I just didn’t want to seem like a pussy for crying like a little girl. I’ve never been the emotional type and it was weird to be overwhelmed to the point of tears. And like your song says, I’m sure I’m ugly when I cry. So I’m sorry to have to put you through that when you have seen me. I even broke into tears while laying in bed with another girl after she had asked me what happened between you and I. Talk about awkward…

Knowing that I allowed myself to lose the girl I wanted to be with forever made me question everything about myself. I had always remembered growing up knowing I didn’t want to be like my dad. He cheated on my mom and we had to live with the broken home he created. I had no examples of a loving and trusting relationship to set an example for me growing up so I was left to figure it out on my own. I am by no means trying to put the blame on anyone else. But that’s what blinded me from seeing just how wrong I was acting. I had a vague idea of love and what it meant. I had never felt it or seen anything even close to it in my past. Love to me was liking someone a lot and making them happy. It wasn’t until after I lost you that the true meaning of love revealed itself to me. To me, love is that feeling I get when I stare into your eyes and get lost in the moment. It’s knowing that I couldn’t be happier ever waking up to anyone else but you. It’s thinking that you are absolutely breathtaking every time I look at you, no matter if your just waking up or if your all dressed up. And it’s feeling like you can’t live without that person. I don’t know how to explain it. I just know how it feels when our lips are pressed against each other’s. It’s also a collection of the small things that I won’t ever forget and will always miss. From your rough spot to your midgets, it’s everything about you that I wanted forever. It’s knowing that one day when we became old and ugly, you would still be the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I guess the reason I’ve been so crazy for so long is because I’m refusing to see the answer you keep giving me… My family started noticing how torn up I was and how depressed I had become over losing you. My mom sat me down one night and asked to talk to me about it. I told her that I lost the only girl I had ever been in love with and that I was having a hard time living without you. This was also the first time I can remember ever crying in front of my mom since I was a child. She looked at me and told me that if you were truly the girl I wanted to be with forever then to fight for you and not to give up no matter how hard it may be…From that moment, I knew that you were the one that I would do anything for and that I couldn’t live without.

I was determined to be everything you wanted me to be. And everything I should have been in the beginning. I hoped that maybe if you could see that my love for you was strong enough to make me truly change the way I had been my entire life, then I could establish a new trust between us and that we could be even happier than we were before. I was praying that the power of love would carry us through this.

Unfortunately holding on to that dream made me hope that you still had feelings for me when you didn’t. I refused to see that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore, and that you were in love with someone else. I guess I was in disbelief. I wanted to believe that you still loved me and just wanted to see me change so that I could make you happy and you could trust me. But now that you have moved in with Grant and are already starting to settle down with him makes me realize I was never even close to being as special to you as he is. That’s my fault though, I should have realized I didn’t matter when your dad introduced me to everyone you guys knew as your friend. I should have known I was just another ex boyfriend and not someone you ever truly loved.

I kept asking myself if this pain will ever become easier and if I’ll ever fall out of love with you. I’m starting to realize that maybe the pain doesn’t go away and my feelings will never change. Maybe I just have to learn to ignore the way I feel about you and go on with my life knowing that the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with doesn’t want the same…Or maybe I don’t even know what love is. I would hope that true love isn’t this one way feeling. I would hope it’s impossible to feel the way I do about you if it isn’t mutual. If love is that cruel and unfair then I want nothing to do with it…I refuse to believe that this is just a lesson I have to learn so that I’m good for the next one. I love you and only you. It’s not fair. I just wanted the girl I can’t stop fighting for to at least want to fight for me.

They say you don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it, and that’s exactly what happened. I know what it’s like to have you and then have to live without you, and for that reason I don’t think anyone will ever be able to appreciate just how much you mean to them as much as I do. I’ve loved girls before, I loved Andrea because I was comfortable with her, I loved Jenna because she treated me right and was in love with me, but you are the only girl that I have ever been IN love with. I just wish I would have learned this lesson before you came into my life. No relationship is perfect and they all need help in their own special way. I just wish we could have worked our trust issues out so that i could have shown you what you trully meant to me. You are seriously one of the greatest things that have ever happened to me and I can’t explain how much you have changed my life. You are more beautiful to me then anyone I’ve ever met. And I mean that inside and out. Even though it breaks my heart every time I think about you, remembering the times and feelings we shared still brings a smile to my face. You will always be the girl that changed my world and I will always love you even if you don’t feel the same towards me.

Sorry if this is so long and out of nowhere. I just always wanted you to know my true feelings toward you before you run off and get married to someone else and forget me forever. So from this day forward, I give up holding onto this dream of us. I’ll just have to learn to accept your heart belongs to someone else and i’ll just have to force myself to forget about the way I feel towards you. Just know that I’m always here for you no matter what…Who knows, maybe one day I’ll fall in love again and you’ll get to see the change in me without having to give me another chance.

Love always,

Me

P.S. You will always have my heart in more ways than one

Do all broken hearts last this long? I was hoping to forget this feeling by now

I can’t help thinking that maybe, just maybe, there is still a small part in your heart for me. And that one day you’ll see that we were meant for each other and that your willing to give our love another chance.

I literally dream of the day we are reunited. The only problem with that is, when i wake up i have to deal with losing you all over again. And it’s just as hard every single time.

I’ve come to realize that love is the reason for life. It’s not about money, careers, religion,  or anything else that society blinds us with. It’s about being happy and sharing that overwhelming happiness with the person you can’t live without…

So what do you do when you’ve lost that person?